Thursday, Aug. 22, 2002 | 12:43 a.m.

im embarrassed and i cant look you in the eye. breathe deep you say. but im sorry for this and its not my fault. make it go away i want to scream at you and slam my fist into the window so hard that the glass shatters beneath my tiny hand.

and this is the part where i change the channel in the middle of the show because i cant watch whats about to go down. im stressing out. and now i can taste the vomit rising in my throat, i know that if i hold my breath for just a second the heaving will begin and not cease for several minutes.

i want to go home i want to go home i want to go home is all i can say. you keep trying to touch me but i really dont want to be near you right now, i really want to drive around until i get lost, i really want to turn the music up so loud that i cant hear my own voice. im thinking all these things but then i tell you to get in the car and go with me. its like im not the one talking, its some crazy outofbody experience where im watching the entire situation take place from a distance.

even now i can see me, how i must have looked to her. i can still hear her coming.

go home you tell me and listen to something. go home and sit and listen to something. ill call you when its over. but i dont want to go home, i just want to drive. no go home, dont do anything stupid, go home and listen to something. what should i listen to? whatever makes you happy.

tell me a story. what do you want to hear about? elementary school. the only time i ever got in trouble in elementary school was when i made a face at this kid across the table at me at lunch and this teacher thought i was making the face at another teacher. what was the teachers name? mrs mccormick, she hated me, she was the first person i ever realized resented me because i didnt have to try.

this song makes me cry, i showed you my field i said this is my field but you werent impressed you said why are we here your motives unclear.

i read some books and they broke my heart. let me read yours. maybe they'll restore it.