Tuesday, Apr. 23, 2002 | 2:47 p.m.

and it was absolutely the most surreal moment of my life.

a boy was playing scary music on the piano. the clock was ticking loudly, the way it does in movies when something big is about to happen. i sat rocking back and forth. across from me were three girls, one sitting on the arm of the couch wearing only one shoe, and the other two sprawled out across the cushions. SHE sat talking, making jokes out of her whorrish ways. the girl next to her wasn't actually paying attention (she was picking a piece of lint from her chest). occasionally, a question would stop the girl in the middle of her stories, usually pertaining to her sex and drug habits. it crossed my mind that something was missing from the scene, and i realized that coffee and clouds of smoke would have completed the mood. it was so. foreign. and surreal. i felt like i was watching the whole thing from afar, instead of sitting in the middle of the room, where i was. well. it still seems like this could not possibly have happened.

the scariest notion i had today was that she is no longer afraid of me. she used to have a little respect. even if it was just because she thought i'd get her in trouble. but now. she knows no shame. it's painful to see her in this sickly state. but it hurts more to know that she doesn't even care.