Thursday, Jun. 20, 2002 | 9:28 a.m.

in less than an hour i will drive to her house to say goodbye. i've never been more terrified to do anything in my life. i don't know how to cry this way. i don't know how to walk away.

and i'm so afraid of what will happen if i break down in her presence. because she hasn't seen that in a long time. and i'm not sure if she's prepared for it. or what it will mean. but i know it's going to happen. and i just want to feel her hands on me in that moment. i want everything to be better. but it won't be. and i'm so sorry for that.

sometimes even the right choice hurts. sometimes i feel like this is the worst thing that ever happened to me. even when i know that in reality. it was the best. i really just wish she could forgive me. i wish she could understand.

my heart is breaking and i don't know if she will pick up the pieces that fall to the floor. or if she will crush them with her heel.

please, Jesus. don't let these tears be in vain. i don't want to hurt any more. i miss her so much.