Monday, Nov. 18, 2002 | 9:07 p.m.

in the midst of the lies and the sneaking out and the defiance

in the midst of the hatred and the blame and the apathy

i always thought about how sad i was for her and how much i hated what she was doing to herself and her family. i always hurt for her heart and her soul and her relationships that would never be restored. i always longed for the life she refused to live and for the salvation she blatantly denied and for the passion she never possessed.

but never, in all those years of turmoil and chaos, in all the conversations of nothingness and shallow comments, in all the nights of tears and prayers, did my thoughts ever turn to the dreams we had that would never be realized. never did i acknowledge that hopes of life spent with her were shattered. never did i look at her without seeing the girl who once was, and who i wanted to someday be, my best friend of all time ever.

it's time to be a big girl. the truth is, she may never love me the way she once did. she may never dig that belt out of her closet to tie us together when it's time to go home. she may never speak spanish to me so that no one else will understand our secrets. and when i'm old i might have to live next door to a stranger instead of my childhood playmate. when i'm freaking out about the outrageous thing i just did and everyone is asleep in every normal household in america i might have to find someone else to wake up in the middle of the night when i need to be laughed at. when i'm a mommy i might have to find a new role model to name my daughter after.

but in my memory there will always be remnants of a girl who changed my world, once upon a time. and maybe someday, she will say the same of me.