Sunday, Apr. 07, 2002 | 6:52 p.m.
and
this
is
all
i've
got
right
now.
ingracescreation (6:38:53 PM): i want to be free of this. i want to be free from her. it sounds so awful. but i seriously feel so obligated to look out for her since i baptized her and all. there has to be a point of no return--a point where i say "okay, this is out of my hands now." but i don't know when that is. i don't know when i can be free of this without feeling guilty about it. i know it's her life and that she already made the decision to make it God's. but i still feel like i'm supposed to hold her accountable. and that is so. hard. because she doesn't want to be around me. because she associates me with all she knows to be right, in spite of the fact that i will never ever judge her. because she won't let me in.
ingracescreation (6:43:40 PM): and i think that's when freedom will come--when we're apart for good. the disappointing thing is that i want her to be my best friend. not that that's bad. but what's bad is that i don't know why i want her. i guess it's more because that's what i'm used to. it's awful. i still call her my best friend so often. that's how i think of her. but really she's not. really she's an awful friend and she doesn't want to be my friend. and that's something i don't understand. because she is lonely and hurting and she needs something positive in her life. even her sister tells me these things. and yet she turns away from me.
ingracescreation (6:44:28 PM): sometimes i wonder why i try, why i care. and honestly, i don't have an answer. except that i love her. and that's all.
ingracescreation (6:47:58 PM): i wish i could protect her from all the things i know she's going to experience before she finds who she wants to be. i guess that's the bottom line. i want to protect her. she knows that God is the only way she'll ever be happy. she KNOWS that. but why she's choosing to ignore that right now is something i may never understand.
no matter how hard all this gets. no matter how much she hurts me. no matter how great the distance between us. i love her. and that's all.