Wednesday, Jun. 05, 2002 | 10:49 a.m.

today will be marvelous. lunch with friends. hanging around the house. dinner with another friend. both outings will be beautiful. and hopefully. hopefully i'll be getting two letters which i have been anticipating for longer than either author will ever know. i talk so much. it's time for others to say what's on their minds.

i'm becoming numb to her atrocities. yesterday when i heard more stories, i just stared out the window. i didn't even know what to say except.

"i wish it didn't have to be this way."

because now. it seems that everyone has caught on. to everything you do.

but today i will be okay. for her sake. and for my sanity. i'll hug her and say "thank you" as if she cared. and the silence will kill us all so there will be none. i'll talk for hours if that's what it takes. because none of us can handle the mere presence of one another anymore. and that is one of the saddest truths of all time.

[we used to love the quiet.]

and now i'm thinking of that one time our freshman year. when she stayed over and we woke up in the middle of the night. and the clock had disappeared. but we didn't understand what happened to it. and we were so giggly that we said someone must have thrown it out the window and by now it was probably half-way down the street. i think we laughed ourselves to sleep.

sometimes when i can't sleep i remember that time. and i wish that she could be there. to sit at the end of my bed until i drift off.

and sometimes. i just wish she'd hold my hand.